Enjoy the super sounds of the 70's while you read!
... or don't, I don't give a damn either way.
Samus peered out of the window on the Galactic Federation
battlecruiser she was aboard. She thought about looking at all of the stars and
pondering about inner emotions and the like, possibly setting up a story for
her predicament, but she quickly realized that she was in one of Roker’s
stories, so she dismissed the notion. She then looked down and saw that she was
wearing her Zero suit, as well as a pair of high heels she couldn’t recall ever
buying. She thought to herself, “Why couldn’t I have been in one of Mike’s
stories? Or maybe afanofsparta’s. No, I had to get this crazy bastard making me
wear high heels around a spaceship. Fucking fanboys.” She reached down to take
them off when suddenly she heard a whisper; “It could be worse you know. Master
of Boot makes his guys fight in Penisland.” She spun around to see who said this,
but there was nobody close enough to make that whisper; just a few officers
looking at her suit from a distance. “Who said that?” … No answer, just some
confused facial expressions from her admirers. She heard the voice again, only
this time it was laughing. “No use looking for me Samus, I am not in your
physical world, or at least not me physically, or I mean… fuck, now I’m
confused.”
“Where are you?” she said out loud to no one in particular
“Sitting at a computer screen, eating a pop-tart.”
“… what kind of pop-tart?”
“Brown Sugar Cinnamon.”
“Awesome.”
She then realized that she was having a conversation about
pop-tarts with a mysterious voice she knew nothing about. She finally asked,
“Who are you?”
“I’m Roker.”
“Wait, you’re the guy who’s writing this?”
“Yup.”
She thought about this for a moment. Why would the writer of
this fan-fiction be directly interacting with one of his characters, let alone
her in particular? She decided that didn’t really care about why, but she did
have some questions for him. “What exactly can you do to me?”
“I can control your actions, not your thoughts.”
“Why not my thoughts?”
“I thought it would be an interesting way to make you my own
character while still retaining enough of your normal personality to be
recognizable.”
“I had a personality?”
“Ha! That was me.”
She was moderately confused by the whole situation, as well
she should have been. She was basically talking to the God of this universe,
and he was being an immature dick with his powers. The entire situation
reminded her about a specific Bugs Bunny cartoon.
Despite his dickishness, she persevered and asked if he
could control others as well. His reply came in the form of her turning to the
large crowd that had now gathered on the bridge (people tend to gather when a
hot girl in spandex is talking loudly to someone who isn’t there) and yelling,
“Battle Royale; last one standing gets a free blowjob from me personally.”
Samus covered her mouth as Roker laughed, easily amused at his own antics. The
crew broke into an enormous fight, with many grabbing food trays and ripping
out electronics to use as weapons. As they ferociously beat each other over the
false promise of getting their dick sucked, Samus spoke to the young writer
controlling her. “So you can control all of these people?” Roker chuckled a bit
and replied, “No, this is their natural reaction to the situation with which I
have presented them. In fact, the guys that aren’t currently fighting are the
ones I control. That’s the only reason they aren’t fighting too.” Just then,
ten Galactic Federation Marines walked up to her and saluted her as they would
a commanding officer.
She finally understood; she was supposed to fight with this
squad in this story. She smiled as she spoke to her God now, “I see what you’re
here for now. We’re supposed to fight against whatever is on that construct
down there, and you’re going to help me win.” Roker shook his head, not that
anyone could see him doing it. “Not really, since I only have the ability to
contact and control you before the battle starts. When it does, you and your
squad are on your own.” Samus nodded, “Fair enough. What’s down there anyways?”
“That, you’ll have to find out for yourself.”
She decided not to question his authority anymore as she
made her way over the heaps of dead bodies to the bridge’s command center,
where she could use the ship’s cameras to zoom in on the construct they were
headed for. When she focused them, she saw dozens of Space Pirate ships
stationed on and above the inside. “So, we’re fighting against the Space
Pirates? That’s unoriginal, to say the least.” Roker laughed heartily when she
said this. As he finished laughing, he offered her the cryptic response; “Were
it so easy.” At that point Samus’ view of the ring-shaped construct was
obscured by a brilliant light, and the strange looking ship that emerged from
said light.
Meanwhile, in a ship
not too far away
“Hey Chief… I’m
inside you”
Master Chief woke up screaming as Cortana laughed heartily
at her antics. “Sorry Chief, I make for a lousy alarm clock.” Chief was still
too shocked to speak. She had distorted her voice in his head to sound like
Sergeant Johnson and set off a nerve in his lower back. It was a generally
unpleasant awakening.
“Why would you do that?” Chief said shakily.
“I told you not to sleep in your armor. I tend to do naughty
things to sleeping marines.”
Chief took Cortana out of his helmet, called her a bitch,
then put her back in. When she fully rebooted, she was pissed. “What did you do
while I was gone? You know it’s dangerous to pull me without warning. Don’t
even think about doing that again, ‘cause I’ll shut your cyborg-ass down before
you can even move your arm!”
“Yes mother.” Chief sarcastically replied. They could have
gone on like this for hours, but there was a reason for Cortana to wake him at
this time in particular. She spoke sternly now, “Look Chief, the reason I woke
you up in the first place is because we’ve spotted a single Covenant frigate on
our tail.”
Chief responded; “They must have followed us after our blind
jump. It’s Halo 1 all over again, but without the Halo!”
“Kinda, except there is only one small ship following us
this time, and we’re in a Destroyer this time.”
“Destroyers have Slipspace drives?”
“They do now.”
Chief pondered this information while making his way to the
bridge. “Shouldn’t a destroyer be able to take down a frigate no problem?”
Cortana brought up images of plasma torpedoes on Chief’s HUD. “Not as long as
they can shoot these at us.” Chief’s vision was compromised because of the
images in his visor and he ran into a wall because of it, causing nearby
marines to snicker quietly to each other. Chief looked over at them and said
menacingly, “If you want me to go over there and teach you some manners, keep
laughing.” Three marines ran away from the area while a fourth curled into the
fetal position and started crying. Cortana scolded him “You know you’re not
supposed to be that rough with them.” Chief replied, “It’s your fault for
blinding me mid-run.” Chief went back to running for the bridge as they
continued to bicker like siblings.
Master Chief made it to the bridge just as the alarms
sounded, telling everyone to report to their battle stations immediately. Nobody
was moving, however. They were all staring out of the window. Chief wondered what
could have made high ranking UNSC officers stand in awe until he got a good
look out of the window as well. He spoke in sheer disbelief, “No. Fucking.
Way.” Directly in front of the ship was another Halo installation.
Nobody said anything for a full minute until Commander
Jakobs yelled, “What are you all looking at? Get to your battle stations now!”
Everyone then scrambled to their stations and got to work preparing defenses
against the Covenant frigate on their tail. While everyone was running around,
Chief came up to Jakobs and asked him about the Halo in front of them. “Would
you like to explain to me why I’m looking at a God Damned Halo installation
right now?” Jakobs looked at Chief square in his visor and yelled back in his
gruff voice, “I don’t think you’re in any position to be demanding answers from
me Master Chief Petty Officer! Do you honestly believe I know shit about that
ring at this point?!” Chief checked his tone against the superior officer and
instead asked Cortana about the ring, to which she replied, “Fuck if I know.” Chief’s
patience was nearly exhausted when a young cadet ran up to Jakobs with a hand
full of papers. “Sir! I’m from engineering on the port side. You need to see
these pictures right now!” Jakobs angrily took the pictures from the cadet and
looked at them. “Is this another ship out there?”
“Yes sir!”
“Well why didn’t you just tell me that there was an unknown
cruiser off the port side of the ship Dumbass?” The cadet held his tongue from
this point on as Jakobs threw the pictures aside, walked over to the visuals
station on the bridge, and told the officer controlling the ship’s cameras to
switch view to the cameras on the port side. Sure enough, there was a ship that
was neither UNSC nor Covenant heading for the ring as well. Upon seeing this,
the crew members began retooling the defense systems to keep track of that ship
as well as the covenant frigate still gaining on them.
Commander Jakobs began contemplating his battle options.
This situation was fucked in every sense of the word, but he was on the ground
during the Battle of Installation 04, so he had some experience with this
before. Going toe-to-toe with that frigate was nothing short of a death wish,
and he couldn’t escape because of how fast it was. The other ship was going for
that ring too, and he had no idea of its intent. Judging by the looks of it
though, he could beat both ships to that ring, where the troops in the
destroyer could put up a much better fight against the covenant and whatever
was in that cruiser.
He had made his decision.
“Pilot, full speed towards that ring. We’re going to do this
Halo 1 style.”
The destroyer began speeding towards the ring world with the
Covenant and Galactic Federation ships hot on their heels.
Back on the Covenant
Frigate
Tartarus sat in his command chair and looked out at the two
ships before him. One was a typical human destroyer directly in front of them.
The other was different, much more spherical in shape, with patterns he had
never seen before. Both were heading towards the sacred ring, but the human
ship was beginning to speed up. Their intent to land on the ring was clear, but
Tartarus wasn’t about to allow that.
“Foolish humans, thinking they can outrun us. Have they
learned nothing throughout our decades of conflict?” Tartarus signaled to his
pilot to catch up with them while his 2nd in command, a War Chieftan
, came up to him. “Your excellence, shall we fire our plasma torpedoes when we
are in range?” Tartarus looked at the other ship heading for the ring and
decided, “No, we should save those for the other ship. We know nothing about
that ship, so it could have thicker armor than the humans’ ship. We’ll just
launch a few squad-carriers at the humans and wait for our troops to destroy
them all from the inside.” The chieftan bowed and left to prepare the brute
squads as the frigate quickly closed the distance between them and the UNSC
destroyer.
*pants* now back to
the Galactic Federation Battlecruiser
Samus and her team of Federation marines were already suited
up for battle when the UNSC Destroyer’s engines lit up and it began speeding
towards the ring. After cleaning up the dead crew members’ bodies, the bridge
crew was replaced by the kitchen crew, who, being purely woman, were not
involved in the brawl (except for one, but she was a lesbian, and an ugly one
at that). They did not have any training in piloting a spacecraft, but after
the deaths of all men on board (that were not being directly controlled by
Roker) they were forced to abandon their natural habitat and attempt to save
their lives by driving…
Despite the imminent crash of the Galactic federation
cruiser, Samus and her team were able to crowd into her personal ship to save
their own lives. Quarters were tight, but after setting the autopilot function
to land on the ring, Samus used her morph ball ability to make everyone’s trip
a bit nicer. Her ship took off from the moving battlecruiser just as it began
to veer off course. Now it was heading towards the fast purple ship launching
small pods at the UNSC destroyer.
And we’re back in the
UNSC destroyer now.
Chief stood around, watching all of the minor characters on
the bridge do their jobs. He had no real reason to be here at this point, since
there was no fighting that was happening. It was just exposition between random
members of the crew. He was beginning to get bored when he heard a wonderful
sound come about the ship; “Warning!
Covenant boarding craft on course to impact in roughly 2 minutes!”
Perfect.
Crew members began launching archer missiles to destroy the
incoming boarders, but Chief knew that they wouldn’t get all of them before
they hit. They never do. As he was getting psyched for the incoming fight, he
realized that he didn’t have a weapon. He looked around him at the officers on
the bridge fruitlessly, as none of them even had a sidearm with them. None of
them except Jakobs, who had a pistol holstered at his side.
Chief ran up to him and asked him if he could use his side arm.
Jakobs looked down at his waist and took out his pistol for Chief to see. It
wasn’t anything that was issued by the UNSC; it was a six shot revolver with a
wooden handle. The long barrel had a chrome finish with the words “Unforgiven”
and “Masher” engraved into opposing sides. The handle also had “Jakobs” burnt
into it. It was a helluva thing.
Jakobs held his weapon up to the light to see the engraved
words shimmer back at him. He then put the gun down and told Chief, “Fuck you!
Nobody’s taking this from me unless they’re prying it from my cold dead hands!”
He holstered the weapon and walked out of the bridge as the all-too-familiar
sound of Covenant boarders attaching to the ship rung from all over. Before he
was out if sight, he turned back to Chief and yelled to him, “And I DO keep it loaded!”
Jakobs stormed out of the bridge and made for the nearest
Covenant boarding party, who were conveniently enough right down the hall and
just beginning to emerge to assault rifle fire from nearby marines. Of the 6
Brutes in the boarding craft, one was killed almost immediately and another
lost his armor before ducking back into the craft for cover. The remaining four
ran out of the craft and fired at the marines with their spikers, who narrowly
avoided impalement by ducking behind the standard UNSC cover blocks that are scattered
throughout the ship at all times, because this shit happens all the time
apparently. Jacobs ran up and unsheathed his revolver, firing at the nearest
Brute major as he made his way to the cover the marines were using. Because of
the Masher attachment to the revolver, each bullet split into 7 separate smaller
but equal bullets that came out of the barrel like a shotgun blast. Two shots
to the chest of the major was enough to strip him of his shields, and before he
even realized what had happened, a third shot splattered his brains on the
armor of the Brute behind him. Jakobs slid behind the cover with the marines
and used the same firing technique against the next nearest brute, who met the
same fate as the first. The other two brutes saw their comrades fall within
seconds of each other and decided to run back into their boarding craft to
regroup while firing blindly with their spikers towards the marines in cover to
stop them from getting too close.
Jakobs kneeled next to a marine behind cover and took out
the empty cylinder in his revolver. He replaced it with another fully loaded
cylinder while the marine looked on at the odd reload fashion of the powerful
weapon. Jakobs then spun the cylinder to make the clicking noise he had come to
love and winked at the marine as he took out a stick of dynamite from his back
pocket and lit it; much to the surprise of the marines around him who had never
seen such a weapon before. He jumped over the cover and walked calmly towards
the covenant craft attached to the ship, paying no attention to the spikes
still flying all around him. He holstered his gun so he could take out a cigar
as he walked, and he used the still burning fuse of the dynamite to light it as
he got right next to the boarding craft and stood just out of sight from the
cowering Brutes inside. Once his cigar was fully lit, he shoved the stogie in
his mouth and tossed the explosive into the covenant craft. The spiker fire
stopped for a moment as the Brutes looked at the strange device burning in
their ship...
BOOM!!!
The dynamite exploded, killing two of the Brutes and
throwing the final one from the craft armorless. Jakobs smiled as he unholstered
his gun and placed the 14 inch barrel to the alien’s forehead. As the Brute
gasped for breath he spoke to it. “I could blow your brains out with this
beautiful weapon here, but I don’t like to waste it’s ammo on
nearly-dead-gasping-desperately-to-stay-alive bitches like yourself.” He took
out another stick of dynamite and lit it with his cigar now. “Still, I suppose
you need to die regardless. I just hope I’ll be able to get the stains out of
my ship when it’s finished.” And with that he holstered his gun and jammed the
lit stick of dynamite down the crippled Brute’s throat. He walked away calmly
and told the onlooking marines to get down if they like the color of their
armor. They complied as Jakobs hopped over the cover and continued to walk away
from the fabulous explosion of purple blood and bits of alien skeleton that
painted the walls. He didn’t look at the explosion, for obvious reasons.
Meanwhile, Master Chief was sitting in the bridge, wondering
when the story was going to involve him in some way… nope, not yet
Jakobs returned from
his murder spree after wiping out 3 more covenant boarding parties in the
vicinity, effectively reducing the Brute’s numbers down to the point that the
marines on the ship could easily mop up the rest. Amazingly, there wasn’t a
speck of blood on him despite killing nearly 2 dozen Brutes in various ways,
ranging from blowing them up to choking them out with a rusty piano wire from
behind. He walked perfectly upright to the command center and began barking
orders to update him on their situation. The senior pilot was the one to speak
up, “We’ve spotted dozens more ships on the north side of the Halo ring, all of
unknown origin. The other unknown ship was veering way off course before being
destroyed by the Covenant ship behind us, who, judging by their distance from
us, used up all of their plasma torpedoes on the other ship, as they are
perfectly capable of sending us all to Hell. Another much smaller ship was seen
leaving the unknown ship before its destruction, but we were unable to track it…
sir.”
Jakobs smiled at this news. The situation in space wasn’t so
dire after all, as the covenant frigate had limited weaponry, and without their
few plasma torpedoes would only be able to send more boarding craft their way. Were
it not for the ships already infesting the ring he would’ve gone into direct
space combat with the Covenant ship, but he couldn’t risk a possible activation
of that ring, so he had no choice. “Pilot, take us to the north side of the
ring and prepare the remaining archer missiles to be fired at incoming covenant
boarders. Master Chief!” Chief awoke from a quick snooze in his suit and jumped
up to salute that commander, ready to become a part of his own match. “Chief, I
need you to go to the armory and prepare an ODST squad for full Orbital
Insertion onto that ring. You’ll be fighting in unknown territory against opponents
we know nothing about.” Chief replied laconically, “Nothing I haven’t done
before.” And finished his salute to Jakobs, who sat back in his chair and
puffed away on his Cuban as he took out a cloth to dust off his gun with. Chief
ran off to the armory to begin the fight.
Again, sorry for the wait. Hopefully Jakobs made up for it a bit.
Expect the next thing to be a quick analysis of both series' enemies. After that will be the first phase of the fight.
So I might be done by the end of the summer! Yay! -_-
